F … Francis

It is not generally known that Francis, the once-famous talking mule, lives on, apparently as immortal as he is vocal. He has eschewed publicity for the last half-century, so I was astonished when he asked if I would vote for him as a Presidential write-in come November.

“Are you even eligible?” I asked.

“Born in the US of A, War Department paperwork to prove it, and I’m old enough too. Mixed parentage, of course; that’s worth some votes right there. World War II veteran and proud of it.”

“But you’ve no record in politics.”

“No bad one either. As a senator, did Hilary achieve anything? As Secretary of State, what will she be remembered for? Bernie managed to get a post office re-named, I believe. Trump is famous for his bankruptcies, always leaves one of his corporations holding the bag while he squirms free, richer. Others are losers in any case; those three are who I’ll be running against.”

“Why would anyone vote for you? What’s your special virtue to attract people?”

“Virtue? What’s virtue got to do with it? As Machiavelli once said, politics have no relation to morals. Vice is more like it, as long as it’s a private vice.”

“You don’t really believe that…do you?”

“Look at the examples. FDR’s personal life was not exemplary, old rogue was unscrupulous in how he did things but he got them done and pulled the country out of depression, also actually won a major war. Last Prez to do that, you know, we’ve had losses and draws ever since. Nixon, vicious man if ever there was one, got us out of the disastrous war we had already lost. Reagan secretly gave arms bought with taxpayers money to the Iranians who hated us, blew our budget to kingdom come but bankrupted and destroyed the USSR in the process. Great actor, inspiring figure-head. Clinton, unprincipled compromiser with lousy taste in women, gave us eight years of economic boom and a good number of necessary reforms. On the other hand, Carter is a thoroughly good and virtuous man, example to you all, but turned out a failure as a President. Young Bush was a disaster, started wars that we lost and are still paying for, left the country virtually bankrupt amid millions of evictions, but his personal life while in office seemed spotless. Need I go on?”

“Enough, already, Francis. I don’t want to hear your opinion of your opponents.”

“Give it to you anyway. Hilary couldn’t win an election if she was the only registered voter, she’d fumble it somehow. If she won, she’d do nothing for four years but smile at the cameras and make excuses. Bernie, half-way socialist, great at saying what’s wrong with the country but a zero for workable solutions. Maybe another well-meaning failure? Then there’s Trump, God help us. Blowhard bully-boy with supreme ignorance and no self-control. He’d probably be impeached before the country and what it stands for was totally ruined one way or another. He’s not quite as bad as Hitler was, not yet anyways, but he’ll get there if nobody stops him. Megalomania works that way.”

“And are you so great a prospect, Francis. A mule with a mouth?”

“Compared to those three, I look great. After all, I’m only half an ass.”

Also find these older posts…
A … Autonomy     B … Bear       C … Corporations          I … Introduction     J … Judgment      P … Potholes      R … Review      S … Snoozers     W … Weather

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