I used to suspect that Ollie Wright was an idiot. A well-informed idiot, even a knowledgable idiot, but still an idiot. How could anyone have so many facts in his mind but be unable to apply them, to find meaning in them? Then when he came over to my house yesterday I gained fresh insights.
I was trying to clean up the house after my bachelor weekend. A quick vacuum, run the dishwasher, clean out the pizza corpses from the fridge, maybe brew a pot of coffee to mask the smell of stale beer. Nothing fancy, just a quick cover-up job. Piece of cake with all the labor-saving gadgets in the house. I started with the vacuuming. The machine was sleek as an Italian sports car, and had cost a similar amount; unfortunately it was also equally unreliable. I was trying to find the artfully concealed lever that would let me change the bag and stop the flashing lights and siren noise, when Ollie arrived.
“Still using that dumb device?” he asked with a superior smile. I raised an eyebrow. “What you need is my new internet-enabled version, with artificial intelligence algorithms,” Ollie continued. “It’s made by Giggle. It’s almost human. Multi-functional robot, the latest thing, it’ll be in the stores next month.”
“I have this one. But it doesn’t work, it’s always clogged or failing its self-test, or catching fire.”
“Let me summon my new one.” Ollie picked up his cell phone. “Dearie, fetch my robot.”
“Yes, Master,” replied his virtual digital assistant. “Where are you?”
“I’m at Harry’s.”
“I’m hurrying already. Where are you?”
“I’m at … you’re breaking up, let me try from nearer the window. Can you hear me now?”
“Yes, Master. What can I do for you?”
“Send me my new robot.”
“Where are you?”
“I’m at Harry’s. Just use the GPS.”
“Yes, Master. Who should drive the Jeeps?”
“GPS, Dearie. That’s G as in … Never mind, connect me to my robot, I’ll tell it myself.”
“Yes, Master. I have Robbie on the line.”
“Robbie, come here.”
“Yes, Boss. Where is here?”
“I’m at Harry’s.”
“For security purposes you wil have to re-enter your password at this time.”
“I’ve forgotten it again. Robbie, look up my password.”
“Yes, Boss. For security purposes you will have to re-enter your password at this time.”
“Robbie, don’t be stupid. Just come over to Harry Jones’ place, now.”
“Yes, Boss. For seccurity purposes …” Ollie threw his phone on the floor.
I looked at him sympathetically. “Ollie, never mind. I’ve got this thing working again. We don’t need your robot.”
“But he’s the latest model. He’s the machine of the future.”
“And always will be. Ollie, do you really think those over-complicated gizmos of gimmickry will ever work?”
“Yes, Harry, I do.”
So now I know for sure that Ollie is an idiot.
Also find these older posts…
A … Angst
B … Brag
C … Clowder
D … Down
E … Errors
F … Folly
G … Global
H … Huh?
I … Immigrants
J … Jet
K … King
L … Lunch
M … Moby
N … No!
O … Once
P … Pundit
Q … Quibbler
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